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Jul 31

Why I hate Linux and everyone who advocates it

Posted by zelle in Untagged 

First of all, to all of the already enraged Linux advocates reading this right now; calm the fuck down before you burst a major artery. Linux is for hippies, and you're just going to have to accept that. 
I admit, the newest version of Ubuntu (namely, Ubuntu 9.04) is acceptable when it comes to internet connections not involving ADSL. However, It still sucks ass. I have never had nearly as many problems with Vista or XP as I've had with nasty hippie Ubuntu/KDE/Xubuntu/etc. in the time I've been forced to use it.
DO NOT install any form of Linux on your computer. It's like installing a tumor. It'll grow, and eventually kill you.
The only explanation I can think of for people worshipping Linux is that it's free. Now, I can't legally condone this, but if I didn't have a legitimate installation of Vista on my computer, I would rather risk going to prison for piracy that settle for abhorrent Linux. Vista kicks ass. Linux sucks ass. 
True story.
Linux is like a stray dog living in your computer - feed it once, and it never goes away. This is its biggest flaw. You can't get rid of it unless you're highly skilled in computers, and you're not going to receive any help from anyone who uses Linux, because they're all hypnotised. I'm not kidding: try going to a Linux forum and asking for advice on how to uninstall Linux or shrink its partition - they'll e-bash you until you scream rape. This is why I hate Linux advocates. They're beyond pretentious, and they stubbornly glorify Linux despite its many, many faults. The worst of which, in my opinion, is the ugly background and constant tribal noise Ubuntu uses as notification sounds. How everyone has managed to oversee this hideousness escapes me.
In fact, I think the conspiracy of the lack of pro-Microsoft results from anti-Ubuntu search terms in Google should be investigated by the e-police. Someone's clearly killing us off. Probably with homemade bio-warfare chemicals, since those bastards are unlikely to pay for real weapons.
Aug 22

The dangers of looking back

Posted by zelle in Untagged 

Being away from Atlanta for over a year, I've suddenly started missing people. It's a disgusting feeling. One I would much rather avoid.
It is therefore wise not to develop attachments, although, in my opinion, developing attachments to material objects should be encouraged. That's what sets us apart from the hippies. Those dirty, aberrant, open-source-software-snob abominations of nature. You don't even want to get me started on Linux. So, moving on.

There are very few people I allow myself to reminisce with. Other than my family, only two other people have that privilege. Only because my memories involving them are invariably amusing. Thinking about certain things reminds me of things in my past that make my blood boil today. Like my primary school.
Why, oh why, didn't I just karate-kick all of those assholes in the neck when I had the chance? I put up with so much shit, because I thought it was all normal, when, actually, it was all illegal. At that point in my life I was so young I could have set fire to all of those sadistic teachers and not have been accountable. At this point in my life, I would go to prison. Why didn't I take advantage of that? Why? The thought of that lost opportunity irks me to no end.
Then there's other people's parents.
Children are irrationally afraid of adults. Specifically, other kids' parents. I let so many parental units boss me around. I hung out with kids I detested. I attended events that made me wonder why I even bother to come up for air in the pool. I shared with undeserving brats. I really wish that I had learned how to use the phrase "fuck you, slutface" more effectively earlier on.
I admit, I wasn't a total dormat. But I could have been more violent in my prepubescent rebellion.

One day, I'll have my revenge. Right now, I'm preoccupied with an unrelated payback project. But once that's out of the way; watch out, Vereeniging.

Oh, fuck. Pretend you didn't read that last word.
Jun 26

The Legend of Zelle: A Link to the Golden Phone

Posted by zelle in Untagged 

My phone was stolen last Saturday. Whenever I so much as think about someone taking something from me, it makes me want to stab every person within a five-foot perimeter in the neck. Repeatedly. But in sort of an angled position; so that the blood spraying from the wound wouldn't ruin my outfit. So whenever I'm in my car and I stop at a light; I'm already in my 'stabbing stance', armed with my sharp object du jour. It could be the pen that I consciously selected because it happened to match whatever staff-uniform or approved promotional t-shirt I chose to wear to work that day. It could be the large metal pin that goes into my gearlock- it's a little blunt, but it looks scary. It could be the straw in my Road Bull- that's Red Bull, but for the road. Whatever it is; it's phallic, and it's reasonably intimidating.
And secretly I'm just wishing someone would come up and dare to take something from me; the warrior woman yielding the plastic straw. I keep a stiletto in my car just so that when I open the door in the car-jacker's face I could stand over his sprawled body and pierce my heel right through his eyeball into his brain. I don't really. I actually just thought of that, and it sounds like a pretty good idea. I just need to find a stiletto.
So when I realised my phone had been stolen, I did what people do when they can't find their phone- I called it. And I got that infuriating message you get when the SIM card has been removed from the cellular phone you're attempting to call. They should change that message from "The subscriber you have dialled is not available" to "This cellphone was stolen by a filthy thief. South Africa welcomes you." I'm South African, but I haven't gotten an official welcome, so that would be kind of nice and consolatory, I think. So I'm on my way to go and get a new phone. Another thing they should do is include a free katana with contract deals. Just buying a new phone that could potentially be stolen again makes me want to engage in a violent katana-brawl with anyone I deem as shady-looking, in which case I would need a katana handy. Therefore, they should provide us with the necessary supplies in case we choose to attack anyone who looks like they might endeavor to take things that don't belong to them.
On the way to the Cell-Traders I had an epiphany. Have you ever noticed how the murals outside establishments meant for small children- kindergartens, daycare centres, Michael Jackson's house; those kind of places- are creepy as fuck? Who do they get to paint those? Charles Manson? I haven't seen one painted child on these walls that didn't have an undersized head [or oversized, but it's usually under, which is even creepier], a strange elephantitis-like growth and disproportionate limbs [the kind where the arms are longer than the legs and the kid looks like an Australopithecus wearing a sundress]. And they're always holding some obscure object that could be either a rifle or a pencil case, depending on the distance and angle you view it from. So that was my epiphany. That they're trying to desensitise children to images of the deformed so that they'll be nicer to ugly people when they grow older.
Well, nice try, innominate organisation aimed at bettering the world; but I've found you out. I know about your secret plan. I figured it out when I had an epiphany on my quest through Hillcrest Kingdom to find the Golden Cellular Telephone. And for every ugly person one of those children fails to ridicule, I'll ridicule five.
Because someone stole my cellphone, and now the world will pay for it.
Jun 11

That lesson you'll only learn through acute indifference

Posted by zelle in Untagged 

I've noticed that many of my posts have digressed into self-help articles, which, if I gave a damn, would make me very afraid for everyone reading them. I may not have a conscience, but I do have some sense. I therefore feel it is my civic duty to make this point very clear:

My life skills should not be taken as an example. I am not virtuous, and I am not wise. I'm a vain, uncaring, self-centered adolescent with a skewed perspective on, well, everything, it's safe to say. I make fun of things that should, by societal standards, be taken seriously, because I would rather laugh at problems than solve them. Which, essentially, means that everything is a joke to me. I like it that way. Less emotional baggage. It requires apathy toward morals, though. That's why I seriously doubt my way of life is suitable for anyone other than myself. And maybe Magneto or Lex Luthor. But they're pansies, so I wouldn't bet on it.

Now, with that taken care of, let us continue to the sequel of How to prevent tedium without having to puncture your own eardrums...

How to give terrible advice and side-step culpability

Tip #1
Always start off with a disclaimer. Say as little as possible in as many words as possible. The goal: Confuse your opponent.

Tip #2
Visualise your opponent as an inanimate object with no attachments or responsibilities. Not only will that expand reasonable limits of extremely unreasonable advice for you, it will also shield you from remorse or empathy.

Tip #3
Don't call your opponent "opponent" aloud. Doing so will raise suspicion and consequently lower credibility. Stick to the conventional terms: friend, dear, honey, child, etcetera.

Tip #4
Squint. A lot. Like Clint Eastwood. This will make you look bad-ass.

Tip #5
Never use absolutes. Or if you do, make it something subjective. Example:
"Smoking is the quickest way to make friends."
That can be disproved. Rather say:
"Smoking is the funnest way to make friends."
It's always a good idea to be diplomatic when being a detriment to society and/or exerting peer pressure. Tactfulness is tantamount to gracefulness in this particular social dance.

Tip #6
If you don't own any yet, go out and get some nunchakus. It's not really going to help you in this situation, but you definitely won't be cool until you own a pair. Then again, if you screw up, you could always just 'nunchaku' your opponent in the eye and run away. Probably not a good idea if you're talking to a kid, though. I hear child-killers have it pretty rough in prison.

And, finally; Tip #7
Always have an excuse ready in case they aren't naive. Here are some good ones if you can't think of any:
"I'm foreign."
"I'm a student."
"I have [insert disease here]."
"I don't know any better because my parents kept me locked in a cellar my whole life so I never experienced human interaction."
Or, my favourite:
"I can, because I'm Zelle."

There you go. Use your newfound knowledge carelessly, and remember; you didn't hear it from me.
May 22

How to prevent tedium without having to puncture your own eardrums.

Posted by zelle in Untagged 

Since I make it my business to be completely uninformed and therefore blissfully ignorant of recent events and/or political issues, I thought the trash heap outside my apartment complex was just due to the people on my street being their usual filthy selves. I vaguely remember hearing something about another ridiculous strike some time ago, but, naturally, I didn't pay attention, since it wasn't about cigarettes, cartoons, nintendo or me.
The reason I avoid politics is because there's nothing less interesting than other people's opinions. If you're like me and you'd rather not get stuck in situations where you have to fantasise about marrying into the Morris family and inheriting a lifetime-supply of cigarettes to keep yourself from becoming comatose or reaching some other extremity of boredom while someone's giving you a lecture, here's a good formula to go by:
Never talk about religion in school.
Never talk about politics with liberals, republicans, or, to be safe; humans.
Never talk about men with women.
Never talk about economics with anyone. In fact; steer clear of any topics that could be a part of a Social Sciences cirriculum. Trust me; you don't need the drama. Stay away from Art History, too. That shit is beyond boring.
Also, don't bring up homosexuality with avid Christians or Mormons. They have some fucked up notions that'll only make you angry.
A quick rule-of-thumb in case you ever forget one of these precautions is this:
People have opinions. If they start sharing them, fake a stroke. If that doesn't work, make an S.O.S. sign. Maybe some good Samaritan will see it and come rescue you. I wouldn't, but some other idiot might.
May 08

You're paying to make yourself look like an idiot.

Posted by zelle in Untagged 

A few years ago, bumper stickers containing proclamations such as "100% bitch" or "Slutty Angel" became a fad. It wasn't cute then. It isn't now. Yet the disease has spread. Now, people walk around with T-shirts bearing comments such as "I'm only a bitch on days that end with 'y'" or "Mentally disturbed psycho".
Evidently, social disorders and psychological maladies have become something to brag about. I can guarantee you, though [and you can believe me, because I know everything] that no one who really has a mental illness is actually going to buy a shirt advertising it. Which means that the people wearing them are pathetic wannabes.
I get that people are bored, allright? I get that there aren't many things that are 'different' anymore, and that it's hard to find something that will set you apart from the norm. But for the love of Rambo, don't pick something stupid to lie about. If I was lame enough to have to wear a T-shirt with a hackneyed, semi-shocking phrase on it to look cool, I'd make it one that said something like "My penis is abysmally huge" or "I had sex with Angelina Jolie".
Being a cunt is not cool. Neither is being crazy.
Apr 24

You are not Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart; ergo, nobody cares.

Posted by zelle in Untagged 

I don't hate many people. I disapprove of many things people do, but I don't usually have any particular sentiments for whoever is a doing said things. However, there is a class of human that I despise so much that I actually care enough to write about how much I abhor everything they are. There isn't an official term for these people. I will therefore refer to them as 'the Damned' for the remainder of this post.
Those people that drive down the street with all their windows down, playing something designed to either give you a seizure, induce suicide, or put you in a coma (such as Alice Deejay, Evanescence, or U2, respectively) at top volume with the bass turned up so high it makes your brain leak through your nostrils. Those people who wait until everyone in the apartment complex is home from work before they decide to wash their car and entertain the entire block with the newest installment of infuriatingly grammatically incorrect [c]rap pollution bleeding from their speakers. Those people who walk around with their cellphones blaring some lame new pop-punk cacophony. Those people. Those are the people that cause famine, drought, homicide, genocide, crime, natural disasters, orange clothing, hair scrunchies, and all of the other horrors that crawled out of Pandora's Box. Yes. We can justly hold the Damned responsible for all of it, because that's how much ass they suck.
It's not so much the music as the principle of it. Members of the Damned assume that everyone will like their music, for the mere fact that they themselves do. So they play whatever it is they listen to at the highest possible decibel level so that the audibility range is wider, increasing the potential audience of people that they presume are going to think: "Wow. I wonder who's playing that ultra cool beat. It must be someone incredibly cool, since this music is. That guy's my hero. Wow. He must be so awesome." Or if it's a chick playing the music, just substitute the pronoun references.
People conform to stereotypes to emphasise certain characteristics that they want the world to see. I can understand that [Although that's not something I have to do, since 'Zelleness' is practically it's own subculture. Even I want to be like me. Man, I'm so great. They should make Zelle action figures.]. But let people discover you on their own. Don't impose your music, your beliefs, your likes and dislikes, your morals and values, and your political affiliation on everyone around you. Because I guarantee you, ninety percent of them don't give a shit. The other ten percent will probably think you're an idiot.

[It might seem like I'm contradicting myself, but as far as I'm aware of, I haven't forced anyone to read my blog. In fact, I advise against it. Besides; even if I am contradicting myself, I'm allowed to. Because I'm Zelle. You are not.]
Apr 06

How to laugh at extrinsic pain, and recognise that other people suffer for your amusement

Posted by zelle in Untagged 

I complain a lot about how inane people can be, but there are times when I can't help but be grateful for the fact that there are so many astonishingly stupid douchebags to laugh at. I must admit, however, that when I'm the only one laughing, I feel an odd sense of concern - odd, because it's not concern for myself, but concern for the human race in general, which is not a statistic I tend to consider seriously. I've found myself cracking up, usually in response to something on the news or the radio, more and more lately. Here are some of my favourites:

"He wrote his manuscript with the only part of his body he could still control: his left eyelid."
Am I the only one who imagined a dude in a wheelchair with a fuckin' pen sticking out of his left eyeball after hearing this sentence? How is that not funny? Come on. I'm not sure who the dumbass is in this case; the guy who wrote the sentence or the guy who decided it would be a good idea to spend 50 fucking years wearing out the only muscle in his entire body that still functioned blinking code at someone who had to watch the asshat blink code at them so that they could type a 2000-page bore (that would only end up collecting dust between issues of Us Weekly next to a toilet in someone's grandmother's bathroom) at an average production rate of 50 words a day. What the fuck. I'd rather lick Ron Jeremy's foot fungus than have to read, type, or blink that book. If somebody walked into my apartment right now, murdered my father and my imaginary friend, ate my cereal and informed me that I had leprosy and that within three days, an elephant trunk would sprout out of my neck, strangle me and leave behind a hideous corpse; I would still think: "At least I didn't have to read that book."

"The group spent Christmas Day building a giant tree entirely out of used cans in order to raise money for the Ronald McDonald Children's Fund."
What? They built a giant tree out of- look, there's something everyone should know, and I think it's important that I let you all in on it. It's not a secret. Okay? Pay attention:
You can sell cans... for money.
[Either that or you can save money by turning in used cans with new purchases- I don't know, people of my level of badassed-ness don't recycle.]
It sounds insane, I know. But trust me on this. The recycling companies will pay you if you bring them used cans. If you bring them a shitty can-sculpture of a Christmas tree covered in wood glue, thereby rendering the cans essentially useless, however, they'll laugh at you and tell you to "west-side walk it" out.
So here's a thought: How about, next time, before you decide to blow off the only day of the year every one of your family members is likely to buy you lots of shit so that you can go build a can tree to save the children (by the way; who the fuck would give someone money to play can-lego, anyway?), why don't you take all those arts and crafts and sell the crap? Nobody wants a stupid Christmas tree made out of nasty Coca-Cola cans, allright? Anyone who does, has terrible taste, and should be shot.

"Overcoming the limitations society places on him because of his blindness, Ben says that he plans to be able to drive by using echo-location with his tongue clicks."
You know, my initial response to this statement, coming from Oprah, was: "Are you effing kidding me? NO. No, he may not drive. I like not having to worry about blind people driving cars on public roads, thank you. Society's limitations are good, okay? It protects the innocent from crazy impaired drivers." But at the same time, I knew that no one could legally give a blind man a driver's license. I could be wrong, though. The extremity of political correctness these days is way outside the ranges of credibility. And you know that more than half of the audience was saying: "Well, good for him. What a great, inspirational blind man. Way to go, blind man. Way to go." But they were all thinking: "Holy crap. We are all going to die. I'm taking my kids and moving to North Korea."
That reminds me of another sight-related quote...

"Meet Amanda, a free-spirited mom who's going blind!" [America's Next Top Model]
Oh, yay! She's going blind? Awesome! She's winning for sure. What a great mom, to spend the last days of her precious sight trying to win a modelling contest. No, for real. Her children could be grossly deformed and nauseating to look at. We don't know. If I was going blind, I would make sure the last images I remembered were of beautiful people and various versions of Tyra's schizophrenic personalities. She obviously knows how to prioritise.

That's enough for now. If I remember any more of these, I'll pee laughing. And I don't do that. As far as you're concerned; I'm a unisex doll.
Apr 04

Sayings that will inevitably bring about the apocalypse (Part Three)

Posted by zelle in Untagged 

There are many terms that people use that anyone who understands a lick of English would laugh at, yet for some reason, those that actually speak it as a mother tongue keep using them.
Some examples [to begin, I point yet another finger at those damn Yankees]:

- Freedom fries
Thankfully, we didn't follow the example, but after one of the countless disagreements between the French and US governments following the WTC attacks, the more ignorant patriots decided not to attribute their favourite staple food to the French anymore. They discarded the name 'french fries' and replaced it with something that clearly made more sense. Only, it didn't, because despite the fact that they came up with the word in the first place, they forgot that they started them "french fries" because potatoes are frenched and subsequently fried to make them. Yeah, I'm sure they really hurt their feelings with that curve-ball. That'll show those French bastards.
They also decided that the 'french kiss' was now the 'freedom kiss', which is so unfair to the rebellious youth of America. Freedom kissing doesn't sound nearly as cool as french kissing. We can all blame the nationalists for the recent hike in US drug abuse statistics. The kids had to do something extreme to look badass. And since making out was no longer an option, they left them no choice.

- Bra
To be fair, there are some questionable South African colloquialisms as well. The day men started allowing other men to call them "bra" is the day I stopped worrying about birth control, because on that day, every guy who tolerated being referred to as such grew giant vaginas and had their testicles retreat into their christian areas to wither away, never to be seen again.

- Spiritual
I honestly can not keep the hysterical laughter from bursting out of me every time someone describes his- or herself as 'spiritual'. If you don't know which religion to pick that would make you look mystical or exotic while still allowing you to be accepted, make one up. Madonna does it with accents all the time- it seems to work for her. 'Spiritual' is just another word for 'delusional', yet some people think it's synonymous with 'unique and special'. If you're one of these people, I'm telling you, start a cult. You might just attract some other dirty hippies to join, and then you all can start collecting each other's dirty hippie hair grease and use it to power your filth-powered environment-friendly hippie cars. And then you can all gather around a fire and chant while the hippie elders tell stories of how they 'stuck it to The Man' by being nonconformist spiritualists and the girl hippies do topless hippie dances. Do it. Locate your inner hippie spirit and release it like carbon monoxide upon the world. And then, go play in traffic.

- Mad (adjective, adverb, adjective to adjectives)
Emory Lingo, native to the student body of Emory University, which I was a part of.
Example: Dude, there were mad dudes at that party. It was mad crazy. I was mad drinking all night.
I'm not making this shit up. If you randomly pick any frat brother at Emory and engage him in conversation, you are guaranteed to hear him use some version of this. I believe that example speaks for itself. I'll leave it at that.

- Ironical
Mother of god. So many people were too retarded to say "ironic", despite the Alanis Morissette song to remind them, that the major dictionaries decided to make it a word. Kind of how they have to lower the reading level requirements for matriculation each year. Ironic? I'd say so.

- GUI (pronounced as "gooey")
It's an acronym, not a word. It's only three letters, for fuck's sake. You don't hear people saying "oohsa" for USA or "pssp" for PSP. I have to put up with this more than the general population because I'm a multimedia student [in case you were wondering; GUI stands for Graphical User Interface], and it appears that I'm the only multimedia student who notices how dumb "gooey" sounds. Can't they see that they're shaming all of us? Is there no sense of pride in the IT community?

- B-day
Every time I see that on a birthday card, I'm that much closer to having an aneurysm. That's why I avoid humanity on my birthday. That's why I secretly cry out in pain every time I befriend someone new. If I get any more 'b-day' greetings, I'll beat every person I know to death with the bluntest object I can find to make sure it never happens again.

Read Sayings that will inevitably bring about the apocalypse (Part One) - here.
Read Sayings that will inevitably bring about the apocalypse (Part Two) - here.
Apr 03

Sayings that will inevitably bring about the apocalypse (Part Two)

Posted by zelle in Untagged 


And for the sequel to Sayings that will inevitably bring about the apocalypse, I direct your attention first to the ugly brother of slang:

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