In the run up to my birthday and with all the changes in the past year (and because I’m feeling very sorry for myself because my man is thousands of miles away over the water), I have come to the not-so-startling revelation that I am a total chick.
It’s not that I never knew, but that I always had pride in the fact that I wasn’t one of those women. You know which type I refer to…they cry when they have PMT, they feel insecure, they question their importance and value in a relationship. All that bullshit stuff that makes men think we’re complete nutbars.
And I was never that kind of girl. Way too rational and level-headed, I saw all the past men in my life as drama queens who tended to complicate things at a drop of a hat. But there’s something to be said about falling hopelessly in love. I f you’re like me you’re going to initially resist the very idea (because girls like us are far too logical to fall in love). However, when we finally do give it up and give in to that feeling of free falling into that uncertain abyss of emotion called love, we become one of those girls.
And in doing so we tend to (subconsciously) attempt relationship suicide by requesting constant affirmation and reassurance. Guys don’t need this. They’re still bowled over by the fact that you and he are a couple and you like him warts and all.
You see, women can be susceptible to temporary insanity due to curiosity overkill.
During a surprisingly brief episode of curiosity overkill, a woman will ask a man a certain type of question, already expecting a very specific answer and thoroughly convinced that, in the heat of the moment, she’ll get the right and truthful response from her telepathic man.
Furthermore, the man, feeling like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights, senses that if he gives the “wrong” answer, within seconds he could be relationship road kill. Unless his truthful answer is the answer he thinks the woman wants to hear, he might try to sidestep the question, or possibly even lie.
It’s ya’ old question of “Does my ass look big in these jeans?”
But here’s the catch: she doesn’t really need – or want – the honest truth. It’s relationship suicide. And a passion killer of note. The answer could be potentially hurtful and, meanwhile, the guy is sitting there thinking, “But who cares… I’m with you. I like you. And your big ass”. But…nuh uh…she WANTS the answer that she WANTS. A veritable mindful of anxiety for all involved, huh?
To be fair, men can be susceptible to curiosity overkill, too. In fact, they’re likely to get drawn to the same type of quesiton. And although they might not be asking, “Does my ass look big” questions, they can be dangerously curious about how we perceive the size of Little Johnny.
I must confess. In the past, I’ve asked men some incredibly stupid questions because I thought I could handle the truth. In a relationship I’m not particularly insecure, so I mistook my confidence to be a thick skin. Suffice to say that if I wasn’t insecure before I asked those questions, I was definitely a bit uneasy after they were answered (I have always aspired to date incredibly honest and blunt men. Go figure).
But the questions I regret most are the important ones I didn’t ask. The kind of question that you NEED a truthful answer to — even if you don’t always want it. Like when a woman in a serious relationship asks a man if he’s having an affair. Without a truthful answer to an important question, you cannot make smart, informed decisions for yourself. If only I had been brave enough to ask THAT question, face the really honest answer and deal with the consequences of his actions – I would have felt slightly less misled and foolish. I would have made the decision to leave.
And you’ll probably end up paying later for your lack of curiosity.
Of late, I’ve become a very smart girl. I mean, really…When you have those butterflies in your stomach, and the endorphins are crashing around your system and hormones are raging…it’s not like you’re going to stop and have a little “chat”. If you’re single, I reckon that there’s a conversation you need to have BEFORE sleeping with him – especially if you want the interaction to last longer than 8am tomorrow morning….
Stuff like…Are you married?, Are you sleeping with other people?, Are you already involved with someone else?, Do you use condoms?, Do you use any drugs?, Do you have an STD?, Have you been tested for HIV/AIDS?….
I know, I know…talk about a mood killer, you grumble. And you think that your man (or woman) would never deliberately lie to you about something like that. “I would be dating the kind of man / woman who would voluntarily give me that kind of bad news before we ‘consumate’ our arrangement – rather than be seriously blindsided later?”
*snort* Funny girl. Wake up…other people want to get laid, you know. And they’re not always picky about the when’s and how’s.
Sometimes, of course, a woman doesn’t ask a man the important questions because she doesn’t want to have to answer them herself.
What a wicked web we weave. I want to ask the important questions first. With all that crap out of the way, I can have fun. Fun without fear of anything coming back to haunt me on the other side of multiple orgasms.
In a manner of speaking, of course.
Point is, I’ve made peace with love and as long as I realise that being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean I can’t be a total girlie around my man. But, more importantly, it shouldn’t turn me into a blithering idiot who forgets the important questions; in favour of the shallow affirmation we need as women to make ourselves feel great.
Because, after all…if you feel empowered, hot and fabulous, you will be empowered, hot and fabulous. And you can concentrate on asking the important questions.
Although, as much as he expects you to assume it, it would be nice to hear you’re hot, gorgeous and fabulous now and then.