I complain a lot about how inane people can be, but there are times when I can't help but be grateful for the fact that there are so many astonishingly stupid douchebags to laugh at. I must admit, however, that when I'm the only one laughing, I feel an odd sense of concern - odd, because it's not concern for myself, but concern for the human race in general, which is not a statistic I tend to consider seriously. I've found myself cracking up, usually in response to something on the news or the radio, more and more lately. Here are some of my favourites:
"He wrote his manuscript with the only part of his body he could still control: his left eyelid."
Am I the only one who imagined a dude in a wheelchair with a fuckin' pen sticking out of his left eyeball after hearing this sentence? How is that not funny? Come on. I'm not sure who the dumbass is in this case; the guy who wrote the sentence or the guy who decided it would be a good idea to spend 50 fucking years wearing out the only muscle in his entire body that still functioned blinking code
at someone who had to watch the asshat blink code
at them so that they could type a 2000-page bore (that would only end up collecting dust between issues of Us Weekly next to a toilet in someone's grandmother's bathroom) at an average production rate of 50 words a day. What the fuck. I'd rather lick Ron Jeremy's foot fungus than have to read, type, or blink that book. If somebody walked into my apartment right now, murdered my father and my imaginary friend, ate my cereal and informed me that I had leprosy and that within three days, an elephant trunk would sprout out of my neck, strangle me and leave behind a hideous corpse; I would still think: "At least I didn't have to read that book."
"The group spent Christmas Day building a giant tree entirely out of used cans in order to raise money for the Ronald McDonald Children's Fund."
What? They built a giant tree out of- look, there's something everyone should know, and I think it's important that I let you all in on it. It's not a secret. Okay? Pay attention:
You can sell cans... for money
[Either that or you can save money by turning in used cans with new purchases- I don't know, people of my level of badassed-ness don't recycle.]
It sounds insane, I know. But trust me on this. The recycling companies will pay you
if you bring them used cans. If you bring them a shitty can-sculpture of a Christmas tree covered in wood glue, thereby rendering the cans essentially useless, however, they'll laugh at you and tell you to "west-side walk it" out.
So here's a thought: How about, next time, before you decide to blow off the only day of the year every one of your family members is likely to buy you lots of shit so that you can go build a can tree
to save the children (by the way; who the fuck would give someone money to play can-lego, anyway?), why don't you take all those arts and crafts and sell the crap? Nobody
wants a stupid Christmas tree made out of nasty Coca-Cola cans, allright? Anyone who does, has terrible taste, and should be shot.
"Overcoming the limitations society places on him because of his blindness, Ben says that he plans to be able to drive by using echo-location with his tongue clicks."
You know, my initial response to this statement, coming from Oprah, was: "Are you effing kidding me? NO. No, he may not drive. I like not having to worry about blind people driving cars on public roads, thank you. Society's limitations are good, okay? It protects the innocent from crazy impaired drivers." But at the same time, I knew that no one could legally give a blind man a driver's license. I could be wrong, though. The extremity of political correctness these days is way outside the ranges of credibility. And you know that more than half of the audience was saying: "Well, good for him. What a great, inspirational blind man. Way to go, blind man. Way to go." But they were all thinking: "Holy crap. We are all going to die. I'm taking my kids and moving to North Korea."
That reminds me of another sight-related quote...
"Meet Amanda, a free-spirited mom who's going blind!" [America's Next Top Model
Oh, yay! She's going blind? Awesome! She's winning for sure. What a great mom, to spend the last days of her precious sight trying to win a modelling contest. No, for real. Her children could be grossly deformed and nauseating to look at. We don't know. If I was going blind, I would make sure the last images I remembered were of beautiful people and various versions of Tyra's schizophrenic personalities. She obviously knows how to prioritise.
That's enough for now. If I remember any more of these, I'll pee laughing. And I don't do that. As far as you're concerned; I'm a unisex doll.