Posted by: powachair on Apr 15, 2010
The day I walked on water
This has got to stop. I have heard of magnetic attraction, I know I’m good looking and all that other flattering stuff, but this is ridiculous. How do I demagnetise myself from lizards?
It all started a few years ago (Oh! Alright, some years) when I was about six. I had put on my Speedo, which was fashion then, and yes, it was before pants and the return of the last Speedo fashion a couple of years ago.
I had smeared myself with Brylcream (before sunscreen) and lay down on my towel on the lawn to catch some rays. There was a tickle on my stomach that stopped mid chest. I squinted down my nose to see what fly had the cheek to land on my chest, when to my horror I was staring into the little beady eyes of a lizard who was sitting there contemplating which part of my face to eat first. I screeched and stood and ran all at once, while slapping and hitting at my chest like a deranged Tarzan. I rushed inside looking for an adult that I could cling to and no, I was not crying, there was just some sand in my eyes.
Some years later I was sent to an upcountry boarding school which had a public swimming pool nearby. We were allowed to go to this pool provided we signed a book to say where we were. In the change rooms there was a centre block of wooden lockers with wire fronts, in which to lock our clothes while we were swimming. I entered these change rooms to get changed after swimming and was confronted by a lizard that I still swear would have filled a shoe box. He got away so you have to rely on my nerve. Anyway, he zigged and I zagged, then I fired my rockets and went straight up in the air landing on top of the locker bank. When my friends arrived I told them I was looking for bugs for my biology project. When I was sure that the passage was lizard free I climbed down and went back to the hostel.
Not too long after this a group of us walked down to the river for our usual summer birthday suit swim because the pool was closed on Sundays. We all stripped naked and jumped into the beautiful muddy cool water. I was standing in water about chest high when I felt one of my friends tap me on my back. I swung around, ready to splash the offender, only to be confronted by a monitor lizard the size of a whale, I swear, staring at me from the muddy water. I gasped, screamed and rose out of the water like a guided missile and ran on top of the water to the river bank where I grabbed any available stone and still yelling I heaved them at the monster, only to find out that the thing was already dead. I bore the scars of this meeting for many years and was nicknamed Liz by my friends.
After finishing school I went back home for the final holidays before having to find work. I went to the sitting room and when I got there I pushed the door open. I felt something hit my shoulder and looked down. There was Gecko sitting staring at my ear, no doubt with the intention of hiding in it. I swatted, yelled, turned and ran straight into the door. This made me yell even louder and with my hand holding my bloody nose I retreated to my bedroom to sulk.
Today I sat in my wheelchair at the table on my patio. I stretched and put my arm out to draw my coffee cup towards me. As I put my fingers under the saucer I felt something wriggle. I withdrew my hand so quickly I knocked over my cup and the stupid coffee soaked lizard headed straight for me. I mean the bloody thing could have chosen any direction. Why run towards me. I pulled the joystick back, nearly ripping it off my chair, steered to my right and got the hell out of there.
Is there no anti lizard cream that I can rub on to protect myself from these sudden attacks? I know all about opposites attracting and all that, but this is outrageous. What have I ever done to the lizard kingdom to deserve this kind of treatment?