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Some one liners for a cold wet Wednesday

Posted by: Doolally

Tagged in: Untagged 

Doolally

Thought I would share some of my cousins sick humour with the rest of you on this rather cold Wednesday. Be warned some of this is rather crude if said out loud!

If u watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have 2 open a beach...

 Tip ..To Reduce Weight: Turn your head 2 the left then turn 2 the right. Repeat this exercise every time u are offered some food.

 No, I did not trip, I attacked the floor with my Awesome NINJA skills.

 I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.

 anyone who says "nothing is impossible". has obviously never tried to staple jelly to a tree.

 the big unanswered question in life: what color does a smurf turn if you choke it?

 If u watch the movie 'Mean Girls' backwards, it's about a girl that got so unpopular, she moved 2 Africa.

 if u can't think of a decent rapture day joke, don't worry.. its not the end of the world

 One out of 4 people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends. If they seem ok then you're the one.

 Dear Vegetarians, Please stop eating all our food. Sincerely, the Animals

 the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 Pounds. And between a husband and a boyfriend? about 45 minutes.?

 can the person who took my stepladder please return it today ,or futher steps will be taken

 I hated going 2 weddings. All the grandmas would poke me sayin "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals

 I just attempted suicide! I will never do that again, I nearly killed myself!!

 The first five days after the weekend are the worst

 A BIG shout out to partially deaf people!!

 One of you guys have stolen my brain and i want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs gtt ny wurs

 Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.

 What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women

 I have been constipated for weeks. Seriously. No shit.

 I know Karate! ...and several other Japanese words.

 my sister texted me and asked "what does IDK stand for?" I said "I dont know" she replied "OMG! nobody does!"

I'm fed up with Indian Givers no, wait, I take that back

 Mate found out wife was having an affair, so decided 2 kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head and said "don't laugh your next"

‎98% of the time I am right. I don't worry about the other 3%

 Did you hear about the dyslexic, atheist, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

 I thought I would make a little thing count today - so I taught arithmetic to a dwarf.,,

 What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name.,

 If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

I just hosted the worst sex party ever. No one came,,

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?,,

 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?

 say this out loud.. ice bank mice elf

 say this out loud, I won a math debate

 LATEST FROM LIBYA ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ???????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ?? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ?. ??? ???? ?? ??? ???. if I hear anything else I will let you know

If u see 2 homeless people making out on the street,, do u still shout , GET A ROOM?

 u know u in the south when . the judge says to your sister "when did u realise u were raped" and she says .."when the cheque bounced"

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