Epiphany: I have not had a successful relationship with a man because generally I just don’t believe what they say. Whenever I get a compliment from a man I believe it is most likely to be part of a sinister plot devised to use me for their own purpose – whatever that may be… you always only figure that out at a later stage – after the breakup.
I have received a compliment from my newly acquired hunk of delicious about my boobies and how pretty they are to him. I find it hard to believe because when I look at my reflection in the mirror all I see are droopy flaps with stretch marks. My nipples each point to opposing wind directions and I fail the pencil test miserably! Not a pretty picture. Well, it does not look like the perky ones that I admire on models. So, I immediately assume that he must be lying to me. Just to have a “bonk” until he meets someone else who has real pretty boobs. Then he will leave me for her. At this point I have to stop myself and consider the following, he has seen my boobs grow and change since 1996. I know him well enough to know that his compliment is heart felt. Knowing his character, of course, resulted in my moment of clarity.
Now being the type of person I am, I need to establish from where this general feeling of mistrust comes from. If I do that then perhaps I could find a solution to the problem. Just being aware of this flaw of mine at least re-programs the mind in some fashion, doesn’t it? At least next time a positive comment comes my way I won’t just shoot point blank, but I could mull over the fact that it’s possibly my own low self esteem that leads me to believe that they are lies. It will be hard, but I could trust my new male companion to help me grow through this.
Yeah, that’s right! I used the word trust and male companion in the same sentence. Could that be a step in the right direction? I hope so. I find the whole concept of a life long relationship very appealing. The very fact that it thus far eludes me is very disappointing. At least I can go forward in the knowledge that I have grown and that I am learning from my mistakes.