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Zimbabwe - Uncyclopedia

Posted by: BelgianNomad

Tagged in: Untagged 

BelgianNomad
I don't know if you ever heard about uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia, but in light of my recent trip to Zimbabwe, I thought I'd share their view of the Billion Dollar Babies up North...
So there's a wiki that's also a pedia, but instead of free it's content-free. Read on and have a laugh.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Zimbabwe


This article may have been censored by His Excellency, Robert Mugabe.

What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!

CAPITALIST PIGS! CRACKERS! GUARDS, GO GET 'EM!!!


Mugabe's garden
Gloriousse Republik of Ugandah!
Uganda
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: Oppression, Poverty, Mugabe
Anthem: Let the bodies hit the floor
Capital Harare
Largest city Probably Harare
Official languages Eengleesh
Government Robert Mugabe
National Hero(es) Robert Mugabe's left testicle
Declaration
Currency Zim Dollar; 1 Nothing = 1,000,000,000,000 Zim Dollars
Religion Mugabeism
 Population Dwindling as we speak
 Major exports death, disease, Zimbabweans
 Major imports coffins, more stuff for Mugabe!
 National animal Mugabe
 Favourite pastime Murder, corruption


All your farm are belong to us.

~ Robert Mugabe on taking over white farms

Jim Bob Way, the kingdom formally and formerly known as Southern Rhodesia, is the 56th American state. It hangs around in the Southern Hemisphere, mostly.

Contents

[hide]

Overview & History & Your Mom!

Born of all the best bits of Africa, the little country that could has kept its audiences on the edge of their seats for its entire existence. Prior to renaming themselves after one of Afrika Bambaataa's 'krew', Jim Bob Way was known as Rhodesia and Zimbabwe previously. Rhodesia was created as a result of God's opinion that white people are better than blacks, and should be subjugated accordingly. This subjugation reached its peak in 1982 with the formation of Rhodesia-Zimbabwe, the world's second hyphenated state. The blacks still got well pissed off and removed the whites from political power, and for a while forgot that while the whiteys didn't run the place anymore, they still owned it all. The Ultra Commander of the Blacks (UCB) Robert Mugabe decided that his friends needed more cash and proceeded to kick the whites off their land, and give all the workers AIDS. While the rest of the world got angry at Jim Bob Way for heaping shit on whiteys, Mugabe proved he wasn't racist by allowing his henchmen to ramdomly rape anyone they so desired, thus spreading AIDS everywhere and proving that he hates everyone equally. this is commemorated on I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day.

Zimbabwe decided to join the United States of America, after president Bush offered 20 thousand dollars, 7500% of Zimbabwe's GNP, for being allowed to hunt endangered animals there.

Economy

Current inflation rate.
Current inflation rate.

Like most of Africa,Zimbabwe ,under Robert Mugabe's enlightened leadership, now exports AIDS, and refugees. His Most Supreme High Lordship Excellency Robert "G-$tack$" Mugabe wanted every Zimbabwean to be a billionaire, and hence invented hyper-inflation. His valiant efforts lead to an astronomical inflation rate, slightly lower than the population growth rate of Bangladesh (plans to use Bangladeshis as currency are being seriously considered, as they are cheaper to produce than paper).

Between now and Saturday, everything in Zimbabwe is 99.9% off! Houses are starting at $20 each! Cars are only $5! This deal is only for a limited time! Hurry to a Zimbabwe near you!(don't exchange your currenct though, because before you can exchange your first lot of money into $Zim, it will be worthless).

Culture

This place is packed full of all the best culture of the region; simply put, it's harder to find more culture per square metre than anywhere else.

The greatest single consequence of all this excess culture is Museums, "Keep off the Grass" signs and Crazy Paving.

Zimbabwe often celebrates April Fool's day on the 4th of November, due to the severe shortage of calanders caused by the flood of 1967, in which a drop of rain fell, soaking all of the nations calenders so that April looked like November, and the 4 resembled a 1.

Museums

Not many people know that as little as 50% of these fall into disrepute. Unfortunately Efrem Zimbalist Jr., despite being named after the country has yet to accept his certificate, which sits on display at the National Homophonic Museum. Recently, groundbreaking ceremonies have beeen held in the city of Bulawayo for the latest cultural enhancement in the history of ZANU-PF rule - a twelve floor edifice celebrating Robert Mugabe's penis and its numerous syphilis chancres.

Censorship in Zimbabwe

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe is heavy on censorship, mostly due to the fact that their current Ultra-Commander, Robert Mugabe, does not like people cracking jokes about him. Because of this, anyone who jokes or speaks ill of Mugabe immediately has all their works banned in Jim Bob Way and has a fatwa issued for their death.

Politics in Zimbabwe

Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Zimbabwe. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.


Wait, who are we kidding. There are no politics in Zimbabwe. This article should be called Politic in Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe is a fully functioning democracy, but due to hyper inflation could only afford one politic. The same goes for political parties. They could really only afford one. It is known as ZANU-PF, an acronym that stands for Zombie Asshole Nazi Union (Paranoid Fuckwads). They would have called themselves the Communist Cannibal War-monger Party™, but Nelson Mandela had already copyrighted the name.

There has been much discussion in recent debates about how much the word "white" is racist. There is Mugabe on one side saying that it is racist, and a set of newly-emptied seats that might have been disagreeing with him before. Plans are being made to remove the word "white" from the local Zimbabwean vocabulary. Examples:

  • Tighty-whitey's = Tight Black Powers
  • White Russian = Black Power Russian (Not to be confused with the Black Russian).
  • WhiteCastle = Black Power Castle

You get the idea. However this has caused many problems with the re-pubished history books of Zimbabwe. As white rule is now called "black power rule." The ruling party of Zimbabwe sees no problem with this. And this is quite lucky since most of the people who existed before Mugabe are now dead anyways.

The death (or lack thereof) of Mugabe

Robert Mugabe is a terminator sent by cyberdyne systems as the world's cruellest practical joke. This is the reason why he nevers ages, nor is never seen not killing. Unfortunately as opposed to the great works of fiction about the Terminators, no man was ever sent back to correct the mistake, and Mugabe has remained as the longest running practical joke in human history.

Rise of Darth Vader

On February 7th, 2007, Darth Vader overthrew Robert Mugabe as dictator. So far the only action taken against him was an attempted invasion by Britain. Their forces were too busy getting shot at in Iraq however and South Africa under the fascism of The Frosties Kid refused to attack a fellow dictator. Darth Vader has roused some suspicion so far by the mysterious death of 60 trillion Jedi padawans in the great temple of pie and llamas.



And by the way: South Africa's fun, Belgium's even more fun and the article about geologists the plain truth.
Comments (2)Add Comment
0
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written by hlakile, November 27, 2007
Nice!

Now for the South African page:

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/South_Africa

smilies/smiley.gif
0
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written by mandibleclaw, November 27, 2007
Sad, but somewhat true.

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