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Porn 2.0: How to make your own porn movie

Posted by: The Source on Jul 10, 2008

Tagged in: Untagged 
The Source
Yes, eventually you will get bored searching for little snippets online and only view 39 seconds before you consider making your own porn movie.

There are a few things you will need to consider before starting your career on becoming the next PlayBoy guru. Let's take a look:

Movie Title

The title of your movie is very important. This will be the reason people (mostly guys) will watch it. That and the cover. You need to make it catchy without being to explicit.

  • Misionary Position Impossible
  • Terminator Threesome
  • Sluts in the City
  • How I really met your mother
  • Prison Take
  • Satisfied Housewives
  • Slong vir Katryn
Story Line

This isn't really relevant except if you are hoping to get your movie shown on E-TV over the weekend.

A basic porn movie story line skeleton goes something like this:
  • Woman asks Man for help
  • Woman drops something on floor
  • Woman conveniantly doesn't wear underwear
  • Man makes his moves
  • Woman never resists
  • Man always has shaven crotch (no idea why)
  • Position 1
  • Position 2
  • Position 3
  • Position 4
  • Credits
That is it. For more story line skeletons look out for the advanced course.

Location

Well a bedroom is a good place to start. Avoid public places like Church Square in Pretoria. Clifton Beach is also a no-no.

Equipment

Well since it is your first movie you will need to do with the basics. As the money start rolling in your can go the extra mile and spend more. You will need the following basics:
  • A Camera - obviously
  • Lights - otherwise the viewers won't be able to see anything
  • A PC with Video Editing software
  • A CD/DVD Writer - you can figure this one out for yourself
Soundtrack

This is a crucial part of the production. If you have any 70's Whammy guitar tracks then it is a go. If you have no idea what it sound like then listen to the following songs to get an idea of what porno music sounds like:
  • Theme song of Knight Ryder
  • Theme song of C.H.I.P.S.
  • Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cirus
Cast

This is VERY important. When casting the male role you need to decide whether you are going to be a director/actor or just a director.

If you are just going to be a director then you need to search for a male actor. There are several ways you can find one:
  • Advertise on Gumtree - someone will respond or send you mail on viagra specials
  • Go to a Varsity pub and ask any drunk male student
  • Ask your buddies - what are friend for
Now comes the hardest part - the female actress, the star of your movie. You can always visit your local red light districk and scout the streets but I think they will charge extra per hour. Then you have to include their pimp's commision and this could just turn into an expensive option. So I recommend the following:
  • Ask your buddies - what are friend for.
  • Go to the local pub and target the drunk ladies - if using this option make sure that your set is prepared because they might get a bit upset when they sober up in the middle of filming.
  • Do you know what a Roofie is?
  • Place an ad on Gumtree
  • The last and final resort is to start phoning up old flings before asking your current girlfriend or wife.
What now

Great, if you have done all of the above you now just need to shoot, edit and start marketing your product. How to market your work of art is another science.

Marketing

Marketing your Porn movie is very similar to marketing Amway, start networking and promoting it to friends and family.

Invite a few friends over for a braai and have the movie playing on the TV in the background. Pretty soon everybody will be gathered in the room watching your amazing movie. What you need to do then is turn it off.

Yes they will be upset, but this is your option to strike. Simply mention that you have few copies and you are willing to part with it for a mere R 99.99.

Simple.

You can also creat a website and have small previews. Create an online order form with a payment gateway and give your fans the ability to download your creation

Conclusion

So as you can see it is very simple to make your own porn movie.

With the availability and cost effectiveness of digital products I foresee a new era called Porn 2.0. Now the man on the street can become the next Hugh Hefner.

Who knows? It could be you... or OS Giken


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Comments (5)Add Comment
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written by Den, July 10, 2008
:eek
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written by Binks, July 10, 2008
:grin :grin :grin
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written by HomeGrownHoney, July 10, 2008
This is sooooo funny :zzz
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written by Walker, December 02, 2008
BRILLIANT!!!!
:grin :grin :grin
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written by mikezilla, May 30, 2009
oh nooooooooooooooo that's clever and kinda satirical DOH! i'll miss you once the the thought police cart you away

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