Stellenbosch – In what can only be described as one of the most gruesome and shocking bloodbaths in recent history, Valentines Day was murdered early this morning right outside of Stellenbosch, a picturesque college town nestled in the heart of the South African wine country.
The alleged murderer, described as an embittered single woman in her mid-30’s, has been arrested and is being held without bond in a local jail.
According to a witness, when the suspect, who was said to be covered in a sticky red substance thought to be blood (or a chewy, cherry-flavoured filling found in some popular brands of assorted chocolates) and bruised, torn rose petals, was frisked and handcuffed, she exclaimed: “Now this is the most action I’ve had in years!” The witness added that the suspect's maniacal laughter gave him “the heebie-jeebies.”
Mr. Mark Hall, President of Valentines Day’s multi-billion dollar empire, was too shocked to personally comment, but a statement released on his behalf reads: “We are deeply saddened by the loss of our dear friend Valentines Day.
"Valentines was seductive, remarkable. Like true love, those are qualities that will withstand the test of all eternity. The murderer will therefore not be allowed to get her wish of eradicating Valentines Day, and 14 February shall forever remain Valentines Day’s Day, or Valentine’s Day for short.” (Hall’s PR people have never been big on grammar, and correctly inserting apostrophes has always been particularly tricky - Ed.)
The statement concludes with a bit of shameless plugging: “Commemorative cards shall therefore continue to be available from January to February of every year. My company will be personally responsible for distributing and selling those cards.”
This final and successful assassination was not the first attempt to take Valentines Day’s life.
In February 1999, a young woman who had been driven mad by unrequited love, shot at Valentines Day with a bow and arrow. An overexcited witness described the event: “The arrow flew by with a whistling sound! It narrowly missed Valentines Day, and instead pierced and wounded a member of the Valentines Day entourage, a half-clad elf named Stupid, or something like that, right in the buttocks!”
In court transcripts of the hearing that followed, the deranged suspect, when asked whether she had any remorse over shooting Cupid the Cherub, screamed: “I loved the way the fat and cellulite on his flabby butt-cheeks drilled and shook when the arrow went in! It was spot-on! Not bad for my first try, ‘eh?” (She was Canadian.)
The judge took her answer to be a “no” in the remorse department, and she was sentenced to 450 hours of non-stop Hallmark Channel viewing.
She committed suicide after serving only two hours of that sentence.
Single women were responsible for almost all the other assassination attempts on Valentines Day's life. Only in one case (of particular flair) was the emerging suspect a gay man, but like all the other attempted murderers, he was single too.
As news of the Valentines Day massacre has been rapidly spreading around the world, friends, fans and perfect strangers (the latter ironically often found to be married to each other) have been inspired to send messages of their grief.
A South African expat in Atlanta, GA, writes: “I am reeling at this news. However, I was not too surprised when I learned that Valentines Day was murdered in my crime-ridden homeland. I always knew that something like that would happen, which is why I packed up and left with my family in the late 90’s. Do you know that we never have to lock our doors here? In fact, we would sleep with it wide open, only my wife has been nagging me about the chill. I told her the chill had little to do with the mild Atlanta winters and far more to do with her own cold-bloodedness and frigidity. She’s filed for divorce.”
A South African psychologist (and self-described amateur meteorologist) replied: “It has been an unusually hot summer in the Stellenbosch region where the massacre occurred. Oppressive heat tends to do strange things to the human psyche, so it was definitely not the safest time for Valentines Day to travel to South Africa. It would’ve been better for Valentines Day to come in June and July, during the Southern Hemisphere winter, when people tend to want to snuggle more.”
Even U.S. President Barack Obama commented on the Valentines Day massacre. "Michelle is rather devastated. Frankly, I'm too devastatingly handsome to care."
Valentines Day leaves behind heartbroken parents Channuka and Christmas, an adopted African brother named Kwanzaa, drunken Irish uncle St. Patrick, and French niece Bastille.
Funeral arrangements for Valentines Day are still unknown, but red roses, chocolates, diamonds, sports cars, romantic getaways for one, and wads of cash have been requested in lieu of donations to charitable organisations.