· When Schalk Burger does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.
· When Schalk Burger goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Schalk Burgered.
· When the Tokoloshe goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Schalk Burger.
· Schalk Burger invented every colour. Except pink. Percy Montgomery invented pink.
· Schalk Burger's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
· Schalk Burger gave Mona Lisa that smile.
· Schalk Burger can slam a revolving door.
· Some kids p*ss their name in the snow. Schalk Burger can p*ss his name into concrete.
· Schalk Burger's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; No-one fools Schalk Burger.
· Schalk Burger can speak Braille.
· Schalk Burger's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
· Superman owns a pair of Schalk Burger pyjamas.
· Schalk Burger has the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1993 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
· Schalk Burger sleeps with a night light. Not because Schalk Burger is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Schalk Burger .
· Once a cobra bit Schalk Burger's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
· Schalk Burger divides by zero.
· When Schalk Burger exercises, the machine gets stronger.
· Schalk Burger doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now".
· Schalk Burger sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled rugby ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Schalk Burger spear-tackled the devil and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
· Schalk Burger can kill two stones with one bird.
· Schalk Burger once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Sh**ing bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.
· The only time Schalk Burger was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
· Schalk Burger lets Chuck Norris act tough on TV. But Chuck Norris knows he's on a short leash