Prostate check...two words to send a violent shiver up any man's ....spine ! This one is not for the queasy !
Jees ! I don't believe I am writing this one, cos it's a bit close to home, ya know ? I reckon that the test for PC was invented by a female GP. Just a gut-feel. In fact, it's a different kinda feel altogether !!!
Luckily, I have a male GP that is a true professional. He's touched parts of me that Adenoid won't dare to go near ! And quite rightly so...We have a professional patient/doctor relationship. I get sick, he fixes me. Simple and effective.
On a dark, cold morning recently, he said those words to me that had me running in a wild panic for the door " It's time to check your Prostate." Once in the safety of my Home/Office, securely bolted behind a four-foot thick fire-door with a sign on the outside saying "GP's will be hand-grenaded !", I looked up Prostate Cancer on the Net and to my utter joy and delight, with tears of happiness rolling down my face, there was the article on how Prostate checks can now be done by having a simple blood-test !!!!! Life was good...life was great...even the scourge got a hug !
I happily booked my appointment, and danced my way down to the Doctor's Rooms. I had one, small moment of panic in the Waiting Room when the Gentleman before me came out of the doctor's room, randomly clutching his behind and walking with a slight limp. My ranting and raving to the Receptionist about booking another appointment was cut-short when she re-assured me that the gentleman in question was merely adjusting his Jocks and that he had recently had an Anterior Cruciate Replacement to his right knee. "The doctor will see you now". I was calm, I was brave...just a small pin-prick...
Once my GP and I had dispensed with the formalities, I started rolling-up my sleeve. "It is a bit warm in here isn't it?" he commented. He had a weird look in his eye. Alarm bells sounded in my head. What the hell does that mean ? "If you'll just drop your trousers and lie on your side, on the bed with your knees bent, this'll only take a minute".
Any blood I had in my head disappeared towards earth faster than Valentino Rossi off the Grid at Monza. At least if I was going to collapse, I was in the right place ! I managed the words "B-B-But aren't you going to take my blood ?" I also proceeded to recite word-for-word, all 9 pages from the website that I had so meticulously studied, in an attempt to let him know I knew my stuff about PC !
"Oh, I prefer the digit-method" he says nonchalantly. Of all the doctor's on this planet, I pick the one that has an "easier" alternative, but still CHOOSES to go with the "female" version of the PC check !!!!!!!!!!!
The "smack" as the rubber-glove was lovingly adorned onto his hand, the "squish" as the lube was extracted from its tube, and the cold, inhumane way he violated me...will remain in my mind forever. I swear, if I knew this was going to be the outcome, I wouldn't have showered for a week ! I'll teach you to make the wrong choice, Doc !
Apparently, my Prostate is "nice and soft". According to the doctor, I must be having regular sex. He reckons that a man my age should be gettin' it at least five times a week, to keep the Prostate soft and cuddly. I asked him for it in writing, on a doctor's letterhead, so I could show Adenoid...he declined...bastard ! I could have made Millions from that doctor's note in two easy ways...one, selling it to my mates and two, investing in Tippex shares.
He tried to break-the-ice in our now-damaged "professional" relationship, by saying that he was actually considering using two fingers...in case I needed a second opinion !